Squilliam Returns
Squilliam Returns is the sixteenth episode of the third season and the ninthy-sixth episode the series. In this episode, Squidward tries to convince Squilliam that he owns a five star restaurant. Plot On his lunch break, Squidward encounters Squilliam Fancyson with a group of his fans. Squilliam asks Squidward what he has "accomplished" since high school, Squidward, panicking, tells him that he owns a five-star restaurant. Squilliam tells Squidward that he and his friends will come to his restaurant that night, and Squidward is very shocked. He begs Mr. Krabs to let him have control of the Krusty Krab for the day, and when he explains that Squilliam's coming, Mr. Krabs accepts because he knows that Squilliam has money (though this is only faintly implied). Squidward attempts to train his employees to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant, including Patrick, who thought that he was joining the corps and is given the job of collecting the hats. SpongeBob, who doesn't yet know how a waiter workers, is the waiter, and Mr. Krabs, who says that he once served on the S.S. Gourmet, is the chef. However, things don't go well; Patrick beats up the hat rack because it won't "give" him its hat, Mr. Krabs makes terrible food and says that he worked as a janitor on the Gourmet and was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea, and SpongeBob can't handle the copy of How To Become A Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minutes that Squidward gave him. Squidward tells SpongeBob to clear his mind of "everything that doesn't have to do with fine dining and breathing". SpongeBob's mind, which is metaphorically portrayed as an office, is operated by smaller SpongeBobs. Their boss's assistant tells them that he's just got an order: Dump everything that isn't about fine dining. They begin to get rid of (most of) all documents, which represent SpongeBob's knowledge, until SpongeBob just stares into empty space and doesn't respond to anything. Squidward runs outside and bumps into Squilliam, who was just about to enter. They both go inside, and see that the Krusty Krab has been transformed into a very fancy five-star restaurant. After sending all the customers to their tables, SpongeBob tells Squidward that he did all of this, and that he's tied up Patrick and Mr. Krabs in the kitchen. After his meal, Squilliam admits that he was impressed and asks SpongeBob what his name is. However, SpongeBob can't remember his name, having discarded it along with everything else, and inside his mind, all of the little SpongeBobs are trying to find his name, which ultimately results in his brain snapping in half. SpongeBob goes insane, destroying the fancy restaurant environment and revealing the Krusty Krab for what it really is. Squilliam finds out that Squidward actually is a cashier, humiliating him. However, Squilliam then "admits" that he's also a cashier too before revealing that he was just kidding and that he was "filthy, stinkin' rich!" He and his crowd leave the restaurant to ride in his "balloon/casino," leaving Squidward dejected and defeated once again, but not before Mr. Krabs plays him a sad song in the World's Smallest Violin, which annoys him. Characters *SpongeBob *Squidward *Squilliam Locations *The Krusty Krab Notes *This is the second appearance of Squilliam (hence the episode's name) with the first being "Band Geeks." *When Squilliam says that he wants to come to the restaurant that night, Squidward (who had already said that it was a 5-Star Restaurant) could've said that they were booked up, as most 5-star restaurants call for reservations. However, Squillium could've been suspicious by this. *In the Bahasa Malaysia version of this episode, when SpongeBob greets the customer, he says "Your butt want to eat rice?"'' *This is the first time Fred wears the same clothes as SpongeBob (brown trousers, black belt and a white shirt). Fred would again wear the same clothes as SpongeBob in "The Sponge Who Could Fly," however for some reason, he was purple. *While SpongeBob's mind was being cleared, one of the sheets being shredded was titled, "Spice Garden Tips." Interestingly, SpongeBob's spice garden was mentioned in the partner episode, "No Weenies Allowed." *Two parts of this episode have become popular on YouTube: the first being Patrick saying "may I take your hat sir?" and "hommina." *The scene when Squidward tells SpongeBob to clear his mind might be a parody to the Total Recall scene. *'Running Gag: Mr. Krabs playing "the world's smallest violin." **This has also become an internet meme. *When Mr. Krabs messes up the peas and the appetizer, Squidward interrogates him, and the two speak as though Mr. Krabs had told Squidward that he was the 'Head Chef' on the S.S. Gourmet, This isn't true as their first conversation regarding the S.S. Gourmet was Squidward merely asking Mr. Krabs if he was the 'Head Chef' on the S.S. Gourmet, Mr. Krabs replied that he cleaned the bathrooms on the S.S. Gourmet and also the 'Head Chef' on the S.S. Diaherrea *Most of suitless Bikini Bottomites were wearing clothes in this episode. *When Squidward asks SpongeBob how he transformed the Krusty Krab, Squidward addresses SpongeBob by name. SpongeBob replies, as if he already knows his name. However, toward the end of the episode, when Squilliam asks him his name, SpongeBob's name was "thrown out" of his mind. This conundrum would put a major loophole in the entire storyline. *When Squilliam "admits" he's a cashier, Mr. Krabs was wearing a tuxedo rather than the outfit he was wearing throughout the episode. This also happens at the very end. There is a possibility that SpongeBob dressed him up. *The episode claims that the "workers" in SpongeBob's brain threw out his name when disposing of everything except fine dining and breathing, but when Squidward speaks SpongeBob's name after being pinched by him, SpongeBob acts as if he knows his own name. *When Squilliam asks SpongeBob for his name, Squidward could've simply said to Squilliam "His name is SpongeBob SquarePants" or just told SpongeBob what his name is, that way SpongeBob wouldn't happen to have destroyed the place. However, Squidward didn't know that this would happen, so there was no way he could've prevented it. *The face Squidward makes when Squilliam says that he wants to the Krusty Krab tonight has become an internet meme. Cultural References *"Hommina hommina hommina" is Ralph Kramden's catch phrase in the TV show The Honeymooners. *The "The World's Smallest Violin" Mr. Krabs was playing might be a reference to the movie "Reservoir Dogs" when Mr. Pink was arguing about tipping the waitress, and Mr. pink says, "You know what this is? The worlds smallest violin playing just for the waitresses." Errors *When Squidward encounters Squilliam he only has a few friends with him, when Squilliam says, "We should all come," he has a lot more friends. *When Squilliam arrives at Squidward's "five-star restaurant", it was nighttime. But at the end of the episode, after Squidward says, "WOULD YOU GET OUT OF HERE?!", it was daytime. *When Squidward turns his head over to Squilliam he was coming to the left, when Squidward puts his hat in the bin, Squilliam was to the right. *When Mr. Krabs plays the world's smallest violin after the Krusty Krab reverts to its original self, his eye stalks are white instead of pale green. *Squidward tried to imagine Squilliam in his underwear, but neither he or Squilliam wears underwear, or even pants at all. *If a viewer looks closely, there are two Nathiels at same time. *Before Squilliam enters the restaurant, the windows of the Krusty Krab are visible, but inside, there was wallpaper covering the windows. *The "appetizer" destroys the door to the kitchen, but it was shown to be intact at the end of the episode. *SpongeBob knew nothing except a finedining and breathing, but managed to tie and gag Mr. Krabs and Patrick. *When Patrick and Mr. Krabs are bound and gagged in back, Krabs’ legs aren’t tied and eyes are. But, when he comes from the kitchen, his eyes aren't tied and legs are. *Mr. Krabs slides instead of walking at the end. *Some of the people in Squilliam's group don't have bottom halves. *Dish Network accidentally lists this episode as "Squilllium Returns". *When Patrick and Krabs and bound and gagged in back, Patrick has a rope tied around his forehead, but when he comes out, there isn't any rope. *When Krabs comes out from the back, he has no arms. It’s unlikely that his hands were tied behind his back, because before that, it shows that SpongeBob tied his hands on his stomach. *SpongeBob knew nothing except a nice lunch and breathing, but he somehow managed to bond and gag Krabs and Patrick. Transcript *'''Squidward: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. at his watch while SpongeBob was mopping the floor I'm done with my shift, Mr. Krabs! And let me just say, there will come a day when I will make something of my life and I will never have to set foot in this grease trap again! footage of a cheering crowd appears behind Squidward *'Mr. Krabs:' Yeah, we'll see you after your lunch break, Squidward. disappears and Squidward walks out of the Krusty Krab *'Squilliam:' to a group of people So, I just took my private yacht across my private lake to my private heliport. It's the only way off my private island. *'Squidward:' gasps Oh, shrimp! It's my arch rival from high school, Squilliam Fancyson! I can't let him see me in my Krusty Krab uniform. off his hat and is about to put it in the trashcan *'Squilliam:' On your lunch break, eh, Squiddy? *'Squidward:' Yes... I mean no... I mean... uhh, uhh... Hey, whatcha been up to? *'Squilliam:' Oh, just succeeding in everything you've failed in. *'Squidward:' You are no great shakes, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone can be a big shot in a hick town like Bikini Bottom. *'Squilliam:' Oh, is that so? Let's hear what you've accomplished since high school, Squiddy. *'Squidward:' to himself Don't be intimidated, Squidward. Try to imagine him in his underwear. Squilliam as a hot underwater model Oh, no, he's hot! Squilliam I'm, uhh, in... food service. *'Squilliam:' Hold it, don't tell me. You're a cashier! His group laughs with him *'Squidward:' to himself Don't lie. Lying always makes it worse. Squilliam I own a five-star restaurant! *'Squilliam:' crowd gasps Squidward, I had no idea you were such a success. *'Squidward:' That's right. *'Squilliam:' And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to your restaurant… tonight. of glass breaking. Squidward's nose shrivels up *'Squidward:' T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight? *'Squilliam:' In fact, we'll all come. My treat! cheers. Scene cuts to Squidward in Mr. Krabs' office *'Squidward:' Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to help me! When they get here tonight, they're going to see I'm just a big phony and a loser! *'Mr. Krabs:' Oh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world's smallest violin. his fingers and music plays *'Squidward:' This is serious. *'Mr. Krabs:' I know. This really is the world's smallest violin. is shown See? *'Squidward:' Mr. Krabs! Please let me run the restaurant for just one night! I really need to impress Squilliam. *'Mr. Krabs:' Scrih--- Scray--- Screh--- Squilliam?!? unibrow appears above Mr. Krabs' head That guy who made millions doing what you wish you could do? *'Squidward:' Don't rub it in. *'Mr. Krabs:' Why didn't you tell me? We'll take him to the cleaners. *''cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs standing straight in a line. Squidward is walking back and forth in a white tuxedo'' *'Squidward:' Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a fancy restaurant as soon as possible. appears next to SpongeBob with an army hat on his head Patrick, what are you doing here? *'Patrick:' I thought the Corps would help me straighten out my life, sir! *'Squidward:' The Corps? What the... Patrick, this isn't the... oh! sighs Beggars can't be choosers. Can you take hats in a dignified and sophisticated manner? *'Patrick:' You mean like a weenie? OK! like a weenie May I take your hat, sir? May I take your hat, sir? May I... *'Squidward:' Patrick up Alright, I've heard enough. You've got the job. off Mr. Krabs, didn't you once serve on the S.S. Gourmet? *'Mr. Krabs:' Aye-aye! *'Squidward:' Then you'll be our chef. Krabs walks off *'SpongeBob:' What can I do? *'Squidward:' I can't believe I'm saying this, but SpongeBob, you're going to have to be the waiter. *'SpongeBob:' What's that? *'Squidward:' It's the guy who goes to tables and takes orders. *'SpongeBob:' Do other restaurants do that? *'Squidward:' Yes, they do that! Now listen, Squilliam is on his way and you have less than twenty minutes to become a fancy waiter, so read this. SpongeBob a book *'SpongeBob:' "How To Become a Fancy Waiter in Less Than 20 Minutes." Don't worry Squidward, I'll memorize every page, right down to the punctuation marks! *'Squidward:' Alright, I've got all the positions filled. I just might pull this off! *'Patrick:' Give me that hat! a coat rack with a hat on it I said give it to me! Are you going to hand it over or not? Don't you back-sass me! on it and starts punching it *'Squidward:' He's just the hat-check guy, nothing essential! explosion in the kitchen is heard. A bunch of green goop flies out What happened? What is it? *'Mr. Krabs:' Peas! can of peas, still in the can, is on the stove and is on fire Made 'em the old-fashioned way. *'Squidward:' Mr. Krabs, you gotta take them out of the... gasps HOLY FISH PASTE, WHAT IS THAT!!!?? a giant goop pile of food on the grill, with flies and other things sticking out of it *'Mr. Krabs:' That's the appetizer. *'Squidward:' But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Gourmet? *'Mr. Krabs:' Did I say that? No, I cleaned the bathrooms on the Gourmet. I was the head chef on the S.S. Diarrhea. walks out of the kitchen *'Squidward:' There you are! SpongeBob, you gotta help me! over to SpongeBob Patrick and Mr. Krabs aren't working out, and Squilliam's almost here, and, and... SpongeBob? SpongeBob around. SpongeBob looks like a zombie, tired from reading all the pages *'SpongeBob:' I can't do it. I can't do it, Squidward! *'Squidward:' What? *'SpongeBob:' Every sentence, every paragraph! the book on his face between each word Spoons! Bread! Salad! Pepper! Don't you understand? starts to swell My brain is full to bursting! If I have to memorize a single order, I think I'm going to explode!!! explodes *'Squidward:' SpongeBob, hold on! Let's just take a second here to relax. lowers his arms Little more. lowers his arms more Little more. face falls to the floor Good. Now, I want you to empty your mind. *'SpongeBob:' Empty my mind? *'Squidward:' Empty your mind. *'SpongeBob:' Empty my mind... *'Squidward:' Empty your mind of everything that doesn't have to do with fine dining. Fine dining and breathing. SpongeBob's head, we see a bunch of smaller SpongeBob's working on computers in an office *'Smaller SpongeBob #1:' into the office Just got an order from the boss: Dump everything that isn't about fine dining! *'Other Smaller SpongeBobs:' Everything? *'SpongeBob #1:' Everything! starts to panic and throw everything away Come on, let's get moving! up to another smaller SpongeBob Hurry up! What do you think I'm paying you for? *'Smaller SpongeBob #2:' You don't pay me. We don't even exist. We're just a clever visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of thought. *'Smaller SpongeBob #1:' One more crack like that and you're out of here! *'Smaller SpongeBob #2:' No, please! I have three kids! dumping persists. Scene cuts back to SpongeBob, with a blank look on his face *'Squidward:' How do you feel? to SpongeBob, still with a blank face SpongeBob? his tentacles as SpongeBob drools This isn't working! I gotta go tell Squilliam I need more time! out the door I'll just go to Squilliam's house and tell him... because he sees Squilliam and the group Squilliam, you're here! *'Squilliam:' Hello, Squiddy! steps back We're all ready to be dazzled by your five-star restaurant. *'Squidward:' Wait, Squilliam, I've got to explain! *'Squilliam:' Explain what? That you, Squidward Tentacles, voted most likely to suck eggs in high school, in are trying to pass off a lousy burger stand as a five-star... gulps ...restaurant!? of the restaurant looks very professional with nice wallpaper, an orchestra, a chandelier, and other things Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina... joins in saying "Hommina" and then the group comes in and starts to say "Hommina" as well. SpongeBob comes in with a tuxedo on *'SpongeBob:' Table for Hommina? I can seat you immediately! up the group of customers with one hand *'Squidward:' whispering SpongeBob, how did you do all of this? *'SpongeBob:' It was easy, once I cleared my mind. *'Squidward:' But what about Krabs and Patrick? *'SpongeBob:' Taken care of. Krabs and Patrick are tied up and gagged in the back Right this way, please. everyone quickly. Then Squilliam is seated without a chair at first, but SpongeBob then rushes back to give his a chair to sit on Good evening, sir. Squilliam a menu From our menu tonight, might I recommend the Krabby Newburg? Squilliam a shoulder massage as he takes away his menu. As he explains what Squilliam was eating, he gives him a napkin to put on his neck and feeds him the dinner We take the finest cuts of aged, imported kelp, stuff them with herbs from our garden, wrap them in parchment with our award-winning shallot tapenade, slow-roast them for six hours in our wood-fired, clay-filled oven, or kiva, and serve them with a garnish of wilted coral on a mahogany plank. telling him all of this, he makes Squilliam's experience the best he can so he treats him like royalty doing all sorts of things *'Squilliam:' Mmm... this is fantastic! *'SpongeBob:' with all the hands that helped Thank you, sir. *'Squidward:' Pinch me, I must be dreaming. pinches him with a pin OWW!! *'SpongeBob:' If you need anything else, just call. *'Squidward:' SpongeBob, I can't thank you enough for all you're doing! *'SpongeBob:' Fine dining and breathing are all I know how to do. a deep breath and runs off *'Squidward:' It worked. I can't believe it! Squilliam thinks I own a five-star restaurant. Time to rub it in his face. combs Squilliam's unibrow Well, Squilliam, I'm waiting. *'Squilliam:' eyes tear up Alright, I admit it. Everything is fabulous. The food, the atmosphere! Everything's flawless! *'Squidward:' In that case, I need you to read this. Squilliam a card *'Squilliam:' Uhh, "Squidward Tentacles..." *'Squidward:' a foam finger on his left hand And I need you to wear this. *'Squilliam:' Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest..." *'Squidward:' a microphone in front of Squilliam I'm sorry, one more time. voice was over the loudspeaker *'Squilliam:' "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest restaurant in Bikini Bottom... and he does not suck eggs." cheers Squidward, I must tell you... pours more water in Squilliam's glass and he drinks it Thank you. What really won me over was your brilliant waiter. It's as if all he knows is fine dining...and breathing. I must know your name. scratches *'SpongeBob:' My name? *'Squilliam:' Yes, your name, son. *'SpongeBob:' Uhh... Beef Wellington? *'Squilliam:' chuckles No, your name. *'SpongeBob:' Uhh... err... the fork on the left? *'Squidward:' Heh. Stop joking. Tell him your name. *'SpongeBob:' My name? inside of SpongeBob's brain again where all the SpongeBob's are searching for a name *'Smaller SpongeBob #3:' he checks file cabinets What's his name?!? What's his name?!? I've got nothing on a name! *'Smaller SpongeBob #4:' a key on a keyboard connected to a computer Come on, baby, what's the name?!? computer bursts into flames. Panicked shouting is heard from other smaller SpongeBobs as they are running around while papers are flying *'Smaller SpongeBob #5:' WE THREW OUT HIS NAME!!! other smaller SpongeBob begin to run around while more papers are flying. SpongeBob's brain then breaks in half. Cuts back to Squilliam and Squidward with SpongeBob stammering for a moment. Then he splashes water on Squilliam and then starts to bark *'Squidward:' I am so very sorry! I don't know what has gotten into that... screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of hot soup by Fred *'SpongeBob:' More soup for your armpit? up Fred's arm and throws the soup on his armpits *'Fred:' YAAAAAAAAH! *'SpongeBob:' over to Martha and grabs her head Please enjoy the food! her face into her food then runs up to Nat Would you like some cheese on that, sir? out a cheese grater, picks him up and grates his butt with it as Nat screams. Everyone screams and panics *'Squidward:' No! Nooo!!! still tied up, runs out of the kitchen, screaming. Mr. Krabs, still tied up, runs out also. *'Mr. Krabs:' Run for your lives, everyone! It's the appetizer! appetizer, which has now come to life, bursts through the door and roars. Mr. Krabs is sent flying. Everyone screams and panics. They crash through the windows and the door, running away. Squidward's tuxedo rips in half by itself and falls off, and his Krusty Krab hat and nametag land on him in their proper places. The nametag reads "Squidward Tentacles, Cashier" *'Squilliam:' Well, Squiddy, I'm waiting. *'Squidward:' eyes tear up OK, I admit it, I'm a fraud! This was all a futile, pathetic attempt to impress you. This isn't really my restaurant. I'm just a cashier! *'Squilliam:' Squidward, I understand. I have a confession to make myself. I made everything up about my life. I have no yachts, jets, or anything. I was only trying to impress you. The horrible, sad truth is, I'm a cashier too! starts to cry and Mr. Krabs plays the violin *'Squidward:' Is that true? *'Squilliam:' Of course not! I'm filthy stinking rich! Come on, everyone. Let's all take a ride in my balloon/casino! cheers and follows Squilliam. The wallpaper in the Krusty Krab rips off. Squidward sits down and sighs *'SpongeBob:' by with a bag of ice on his head Ugh, I got such a headache. What's going on with you? *'Squidward:' Oh, the usual. Krabs slides over and plays the violin Would you get out of here!? to black, ending the episode Gallery Category:Season 3 episodes Category:SpongeBob SquarePants episodes Category:2002 television episodes Category:2000s television episodes Category:Episodes Category:Films, TV Shows And Wildlife Wiki